Forgive me Dear for I Have Sinned

I used to look down on the old cliché, “your wedding day is the best day of your life”.  I just didn’t buy it; I suppose I’ve always been a realist rather than a romantic.

My suspicions heightened in the lead up to my own wedding day with both myself and my fiancé engulfed in the usual stresses of work, but also the additional pressures of wedding planning, to the point where we became each other’s own worst enemies. This cloud of animosity loomed in my mind until I actually had qualms and doubts about the big day. Fortunately, with the support and advice of caring people around me – my fiancé included – I was able to find peace again, faith was restored and it saved me. My husband Jake and I tied the knot last month, and it was the greatest decision I’ve made yet!

One of the best pieces of marital advice we received was from the publisher of this magazine, Alistair Speirs, who attended our wedding with his lovely wife of 26 years, Barbara. He kindly shared with us the key to a long lasting and happy marriage – forgiveness. We have all heard it before, but have we truly experienced its power?

Honestly, I couldn’t say I had until very recently. The state of the relationship that I was in with my then fiancé had been a wake up call and forced me to face the truth that happiness was my choice and my responsibility, not somebody else’s. I can proudly say that the first step I took for the good of my marriage was to forgive my partner for his past wrongdoings, whether he did them intentionally or not. This decision has set me free of grudges, made me happier and able to see him in a much more positive light, and in effect improved the dynamics between us.

What has forgiveness got to do with happiness? 

My new definition of the word “forgive” is a state of mind where we voluntarily make a decision to let go of negative emotions caused by wrongdoings done by someone in the past. Allow me to dissect this definition.

A “State of Mind”

Forgiveness is not based on others’ actions but on our own attitude. We forgive not because somebody asked for it, not even the offender, but because we’re no longer allowing the hurt, disappointment, vengefulness, resentment and other negative emotions to occupy our mind. Forgiveness doesn’t mean being weak. It does not mean letting the offender off the hook. We can and should still hold others accountable for their actions or lack of actions.

A “Voluntary Decision”

In light of inter-personal relationships, forgiveness is a peaceful mental condition toward our offender that can potentially lead to reconciliation. Forgiving is not saying, “What you did was okay, so go ahead and walk all over me”. Nor is it playing the martyr, enjoying the performance of forgiving people because it perpetuates our victim role. Forgiveness is something deep and personal, it could be a one-way street without the offender ever knowing or respecting your decision. Getting another person to change his or her actions, behaviour or words isn’t the point of forgiveness. Think of forgiveness more about how it can change our lives — by bringing us peace, happiness, and emotional and spiritual healing. Forgiveness can take away the power the other person continues to wield in our life.

“Wrongdoings”

People make mistakes, it’s part of human nature. After we forgive, the offender might still repeat their offenses. Should we forgive again? Yes, why not!?  Forgiveness is a process not an event, it’s a commitment not an obligation, and it might take time to get used to it, to heal and truly feel the benefits. But don’t mistake forgiveness for reconciliation. We can forgive someone even if we can never get along with them the same as before.

When we forgive, we remove our grudges and negative emotions against that person, we do it for our own peace and not their glory. Forgiveness can potentially change everything about our relationship with others because of what it can do for us. I hope this article is able to shed some positive light on forgiveness and how it can help in our journey towards happiness.

Romance VS the Four Letter Word

When one catalogs the greatest love stories of all time, they may probably list the likes of Gone with the Wind, Romeo and Juliet, Ghost or The Notebook. It makes one wonder why these sagas can enchant throngs of audiences. My hypothesis would be described by these nouns ‘romance, passion, eternal love, fantasy, allure’. The on-screen pair of Rhett Butler and Scarlett O’Hara are embodiments of heart melting, awww-inducing, cheek blushing attributes, all of which many of us search in the off-screen life.

I’ve realized that these scenarios and characters are fictional for a reason, mainly showcasing the courting phase of a relationship where infatuation is the plot. Real life relationships are not a melodrama, but are the behind-the-scenes actual labor to create the “fairy tale” that you would like it to be.

My parents just celebrated their 40^th wedding anniversary last year in August. For reaching that milestone alone, they’ve become one of my model couples.  Do they ever argue? Do they ever have disagreements? Do they ever dislike each other? Yes, they do all these things, because they’re human. But my parents always seem to find a way to resolve, forgive, move forward and repeat. The two things that my mom advises me about relationships is, to demonstrate patience, and kindness, despite the circumstances, they will always prevail.

This article is dedicated to my partner whom I’ve recently become engaged to, and who has shown me that a relationship is no romantic comedy, but rather an amalgamation of the arduous, painstaking, fun, fulfilling labor of love that makes two people be better and happier together.

Freddy Mercury gave the other side of truth about the four letter word, “Love don’t give no compensation, love don’t pay no bills. Love don’t give no indication, love just won’t stand still. Love won’t take no reservations, love is no square deal.” (from the song Love Kills)

This article has been published on Now! Jakarta magazine

What to look for in a Team building program

There’s no denying that Teamwork is essential for any group or organization. The benefits of a cohesive team is invaluable for any organization. A 20th century inventor, industrialist and successful businessman, Henry Ford said, “Coming together is a beginning; keeping together is progress; working together is success.”

Nowadays, team development and leadership trainings have become a popular program for the training department. A team spirit is deemed as one of the most important values and required traits for people to have. It’s no wonder HR managers will seek expert help in order to acquire it.

My past article “Is your Team building training worth the investment?” raises the point of how team development programs may have been trivialized and confused with fun company events – when in actuality they are 2 parallel but different things.

I want to address how you can make the most out of your team building program, and also lend you a couple of tips on what to look for in a good program to make your training investment worth while.

Experience is our best Teacher

While there are plenty of learning methods out there, there’s nothing that teaches us better than our own experience. An education method that uses the students’ own experience and pushes them to grow outside of their comfort zone is called Experiential Learning. I believe experience to be one of the most effective ways through which human beings learn. When something (good or bad) happens to you, you’ll remember the experience and understand the learning much better than if you didn’t experience it yourself. Imagine learning to ride a bike for the first time. Scene A. Imagine doing it by just reading a manual. Scene B. Imagine doing it by actually trying to ride the bike. Which scene do you think will work more effectively? You’re right, Scene B.

In the same light, in a team building program that uses Experiential learning method, your team is directly engaged in a relationship building experience by exercising communication, coordination, leadership, followership. Essentially, instead of just learning about building teamwork from some theory, you are actually learning through it from practice.

While a team building program should be engaging and active,  make sure your teams go home with CHANGES:

1. Change in Paradigm

When a person decides to shift his way of thinking, a change in paradigm is taking place. A good team building program should be able to facilitate awareness of a person in the context of community. It acts like a mirror for the team and team members to see how they are, how they work and interact together. They should be able to reflect on the weak and strong points and where they can develop more. In essence, a good team building program is able to empower self-development and self-transformation of each team member from bad to good, from good to better, from better to great. The first step of transformation is for someone to say “I can change”.

2. Change in Behavior

A development program is a link between the “past and future”. People should take away from a training a sense of empowerment and a set of tools to act on it. It’s not enough to know about your weakness if you won’t do anything to improve it, vice versa it’s not enough to know about your strong points if you won’t put them in good use. Awareness that is followed by commitment and action can move mountains, so to speak. In the same light, a good team building program should be able to generate commitment and action of each individual team member as well as the team as a whole. The next step of transformation is for someone to say “I will change”.

My recently published article on Britcham’s Update magazine Jun/Jul issue p.40

What you should expect from a Team building program

Team development trainings have not only become a popular program in the training department, but also as a company’s annual agenda. The power of teamwork is indisputable, consequently for many companies it’s deemed as one of the most important values and required skills for the people to have. It’s no wonder HR managers will seek expert help in order to acquire it.

My last article “Is your Team building training worth the investment?” raises the point of how team development programs may have been trivialized and confused with fun company events – when in actuality they are 2 parallel but different things.

I want to talk about how you can make the most out of your team building program, and give you a couple of tips on what to look for in a good program to make your training investment worth while.

“What I hear, I forget. What I see, I remember. What I do, I understand”

While there are plenty of training methods out there, there’s nothing that teaches us better than our own experience. When something happens to you, you’ll remember the experience and understand the learning much better. Imagine learning to ride a bike by reading the steps off a manual instead of actually trying to ride it. In the same tone, in a team building program that uses Experiential learning method, your team is engaged to go through a relationship building experience first hand by exercising communication, coordination, leadership, followership. Essentially, instead of just learning about building teamwork from a theory, you are actually learning through it from practice.

While a team building program should be engaging and active,  make sure your teams go home with CHANGE:

1. Change in Paradigm

When a person decides to shift his way of thinking, a change in paradigm is taking place. A good team building program should be able to facilitate awareness of a person, and of himself in the context of community. It acts like a mirror for the team and team members to see how they are, how they work and interact together. They should be able to reflect on the weak and strong points and where they can develop more. In essence, a good team building program is able to empower self-development and self-transformation of each team member from bad to good, from good to better, from better to great. The first step of transformation is for someone to say “I can change”.

2. Change in Behavior

A development program is a link between the “past and future”. People should take away from a training a sense of empowerment and a set of tools to act on it. It’s not enough to know about your weakness if you won’t do anything to improve it, vice versa it’s not enough to know about your strong points if you won’t put them in good use. Awareness that is followed by commitment and action can move mountains, so to speak. In the same light, a good team building program should be able to generate commitment and action of each individual team member as well as the team as a whole. The next step of transformation is for someone to say “I will change”.

I always say that teamwork is easier said than done, it’s almost like an art in developing and managing people. It takes craftsmanship, commitment and action mixed together to make it go well. If you’re overseeing the cohesiveness of your units and people, I hope you will keep in mind that effective teams start with effective people that have positive relationships with other team members.

This article has been published on Outward Bound Indonesia’s blog

Is your Team building program worth the investment?

I often get asked by HR Managers if “fun” team building activities can really be effective in developing teams, and more specifically be worth the investment? Fun learning is good. People retain more information and longer in a conducive learning environment, where they are relaxed and can enjoy the process. Learning should be fun, but that is not necessarily useful. Fun alone is non-existent in the training world!

Photo credit: accountingstockton.com

Team development training programs should be able to help build relationships among the people, but further than that be able to give key inter-personal communication tools for which they can use afterwards. Training participants should go home with a sense of empowerment and team cohesiveness.

There are a few mistakes that HR Managers often make in addressing a team building need that can result in a bad training investment:

Misconception #1: Team building = Fun

Unfortunately, many HR Managers get the notion of team development all wrong. Many confuse team building as some kind of a paid vacation that’s injected with some amount of learning, sponsored by the company.  When Dr. Kurt Hahn pioneered experiential learning method in the 40′s as an educational concept for young sailors to develop their character, tenacity and ability to work with others, he never put fun as the ingredient. In fact, his fundamental philosophy of self growth comes from having people put through challenging environments where they will be impelled to step out of their box. And trust me, this process can be difficult for some people, let alone fun. Human beings grow the most when their mind is stretched and when their old views are challenged. So if you’re thinking of investing money on fun in the name of training, you’d better think again.

Photo credit: leadershipwithsass.com

Misconception #2: Team building = Happy People

Yes! We want our people to be happy during the learning process as well as after, when it’s over. Although the truth is, more often than you’d like to admit, people in your company have communication issues with each other, and they are not happy about it. Depending on how critical and serious the issue is, addressing it is always the best policy. It’s not always going to make people happy in the process, but raising the issue and resolving it can give a more permanent and productive result in the long run.

Investment tips : ensure that the training program will give you a lasting and productive output for your people and organization.

Misconception #3: Team building = Quick Fix

Rome was not built in one day, and neither do teams. A good team building training should be able to offer a solution for your teamwork issues. But be mindful, it’s not a quick fix for every problem or for ever. It requires steady work and commitment from all stake holders, even after the training is over. A culture and system that support a productive teamwork can go miles in reaching success for the company.

Investment tips : make sure that you’ve identified your training needs and objectives before you select the type of training program to match.

We all desire a team that works like a well-oiled machine and yields high productivity. Sometimes we have them, sometimes we don’t have them yet. For those who don’t have them yet, don’t be disheartened. We call it teamwork because it is work. In order to have a well-coordinated engaged team, it requires action and nourishment, it doesn’t operate automatically. When you nourish your people, you’re investing in them in the hope of higher returns for the company. If you invest correctly and wisely, you ought to be well on your way to a healthy return.

This article has been published on Outward Bound Indonesia’s blog

Conflict as a Relationship Building Agent

When we hear the word conflict, we automatically get worried or scared like it’s some kind of a disease. Yes, so it does have a bad association, but it may not be as bad as it sounds. One of the definitions of conflict according  to Webster’s dictionary is opposing action of incompatibles, antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons). Many researchers say that conflict can have a healthy effect on relationships, on a personal level or professional level. In fact, in some group development models, conflict is a required ingredient in order for a team to reach optimum productivity.  Some people believe that it’s good to have arguments during courtship to see how compatible you really are with your partner. But the most important part of a conflict is how we resolve it when it happens.

Just because you don’t see it, doesn’t mean it’s not there!

I was advising a company in their relationship building strategy when one of the executives said to me “Ya, this is all good, but our staff never have conflict. We’re all fine”. Many people misconstrue conflict with problems. Just because two people never have an argument, doesn’t mean they don’t have a problem – it might just mean they’re not addressing it.

Conflict comes from all sorts of reasons, differences in value, background, upbringing, personality type to differences in habits, preferences, ego, jealousy. Conflicts are part of life, they’re part of a (healthy) human relationship. Haven’t a married couple had a disagreement about either to squeeze their toothpaste from the bottom or the top? Haven’t we all had a disagreement with our best friend about what movie to watch? At work, haven’t we had disagreements with our colleagues about strategies of completing  a project successfully?

Why can conflict be good in strengthening relationships and improving productivity?

When we have a disagreement with someone, it means we have a different opinion, desire or perception, we see the same thing with a different eye. At work, different reasons can trigger conflicts; miscommunications, misunderstandings, lack of role definition, leadership problems, company culture, personality clash. Our attitude towards conflict resolution is what will determine if the relationship will be strengthened, and if we will reach optimum productivity. Some people take the avoidance route in dealing with conflict, while others face the problem and address it. Just be mindful that conflicts continue to fester when ignored, they don’t go away just because we don’t deal with them.

I took an Outward Bound course in high school. During one of our lake expeditions, my canoeing partner and I found ourselves in a stalemate. We were way behind our other teammates and lost our way. We were exhausted, hungry and extremely hot – and to make things worse, we couldn’t seem to row in a straight line or agree on which direction to go. We bickered until we got tired and stayed quiet in the striking heat. Finally we started communicating again and this time really tried to listen to each other’s views. We came to a decision and stuck with it. Before long, we were back on the road (water), found our way and caught up with our teammates.

Conflict Resolution Lesson #1: Problems don’t vaporize into thin air!

I learned a valuable lesson that day, that when we avoid each other and not address the issue, we literally stand still, and nothing gets achieved, and when you come back to it later, it’s still there. When you have an issue with someone from Accounting or Marketing or anyone in your team or company, you need to open communication and address it with them.

Conflict Resolution Lesson #2: We have 2 ears and 1 mouth for a reason.

The other valuable lesson I learned that day was that conflict resolution is an opportunity to grow. When we try to resolve a problem, 2 things are required: speaking and listening. Doing both of them effectively will help in how the conflict will be resolved tremendously.

Speaker: State your views clearly, calmly and respectfully in a non-judgmental manner. Tell them how the problem makes you feel. Sometimes it’s good to acknowledge our emotions if we feel them, such as anger, frustration, disappointment, to get them out of our system. By so doing, it helps to clear the air and to not be holding grudge towards the person in the future. The power of conflict resolution is also humility. Admitting that we’re wrong and apologizing can go miles and miles in restoring and strengthening a relationship.

Listener: Listen, listen, listen! Some conflicts occur because a person just needs to be listened to. One of most important skills in conflict resolution is listening. Sounds easy (no pun intended!), but a lot harder to do. Good listening is really listening to what the person is saying, rather than to what we’re saying in our heads. Also, the other side of humility is forgiveness, and there’s great power in it.

In business, family or friendships, respect is first and foremost. Respect each other’s views, opinions, positions especially during a disagreement.

When we try to resolve an issue with someone, we are opening ourselves to new perspectives (theirs). By listening to their views and accepting them and/or compromising ours, we’re expanding our horizons. We don’t have to agree with their views, but we can agree to disagree. When we try to resolve a conflict, we’re developing our communication repertoire with that person – and essentially building relationships with them.

This article has been published on Outward Bound Indonesia’s blog: http://outwardboundindo.wordpress.com/2012/04/17/conflict-as-a-relationship-building-agent/

Generation-Y Thriving with Your Business Growth

Last week, I wrote about Indonesia’s consistent economic growth and the affects it has on many businesses (Growth of Economy, Your Business and Human Capital Challenge). One needs to be vigilant that albeit business growth is required, but so is the quality of its people. I spoke to the CEO of a major real estate developer company recently, he told me that his human capital size have grown 200% in the past 2 years. Their problem is the development aspect of the people is not going linear as the size. His other concern was the new young hires have difficulties catching up to match the standards.

Is academic excellence enough when hiring fresh graduates?

In order to anticipate a rapid growth in business, many large companies set up a fast track program for young, bright and talented individuals, typically fresh university graduates, in order to groom them to become managers in a relatively short time of a year or two (known as Management Trainee programs). Some challenges these companies face with the new recruits, other than their lack of knowledge about (the) business is their mentality. Their young age, lack of life experience and skills require a lot of growing and maturing on their part. So think about the role you play, the money and time you need to put in to mature them.

Facts of Gen-Y Life

Studies have shown that Gen-Y-ers (those who were born in the late 1980s up to mid 90s) excel in academics and knowledge of technology. They were practically born with a cellphone in their hands. Communication was made super easy by gadgets. Thinking processes have also been made more practical, short cut and almost automated, thanks to these devices. Yes, kudos to these technological evolutions, our lives are faster and easier – exactly like our 2-minute instant cup noodles. All this is great of course, except for the downsides. Studies show that this generation lack in resilience when faced with adversity. I remember less than 10 years ago, we had to go to the library, and get books just to research and obtain information. Back then, more effort had to be put in to something so simple. Nowadays, information can be accessed from your fingertips. Fighting spirit may very well have a different meaning to this generation than the previous generations altogether. Getting around or getting things done may seem effortless for the gen-Y.

So the dilemma is this, when these gen-Y-ers just graduated from university and apply to your company, they may most likely carry this “fast and easy” mindset. A bright straight A student from a reputable university, applying for a managerial position, expecting a nice office, good pay, easy going boss, easy going colleagues, easy going work, in other words an easy going life. It doesn’t work that way, does it!

The Uphill Battle to Win the War: Developing the Gen-Y!

Many of our clients come to us due to this exact problem. People expect performance from putting in a mediocre effort, and when push comes to shove, they crack under pressure. The cardinal rule being in order to be ahead of competition, the people need to own a winning attitude and outstanding talent.

As I mentioned earlier, in a management trainee program, these “green” talents are prepped and groomed to be the next future leader. They have the skills and knowledge, but what about their mental attitude – or lack thereof? Don’t be disheartened, mental attitude can be detected and measured and it surely can be improved.

5 key ingredients when you’re developing the Gen Y’s winning attitude:

1. Coachability In the selection and recruitment stage, it’s imperative to select those who are not only talented and bright, but coachable. Coachability is an vital attribute to have for someone who’s inexperienced and expected to climb the corporate ladder in a short time. Humility, willingness and passion to learn is key to progress.
2. Fighting spirit & Resilience Test and observe how they perform under pressure. Their fighting spirit will get your company to new heights; their ability to beat the odds and be resilient during crisis. Never stop challenging your people.
3. Shine under pressure Empower your people to discover and use their potential. When you push your people to their limits, there’s only 2 possible outcomes, they will either break or shine. The shiners are keepers. Never cease to demand excellence from your people, that’s the only way they will grow.
4. Personal management Develop their maturity, personal values, emotional control and self-discipline. Their level of maturity and emotional control will help ease their transition to leadership position.
5. Leadership & Relationship Building The two attributes must go hand in hand because effective leadership happens when relationships are built. Successful leaders are those who can be role models and able to communicate well with others.

When you’re hiring and developing the gen-Y-ers, there’s going to be pluses and minuses. Highlight their strong points, and help them improve on the weak points. Remember that people are resilient, if you hire the right people, they will able to adapt to and embrace the changes you want them to conform into.